Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
