I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
