I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
