I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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