she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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