You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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