And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
