I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ttyl tear gas
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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