he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
