I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
