I seem to have left my pride at pride
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish you could order shots online.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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