you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
