Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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