I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
