I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
