it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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