I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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