is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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