She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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