I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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