hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
