I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
