You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I will be naked everywhere
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
