i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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