Banned from zoo.
Again?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
