Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
