his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
