She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
