and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
