Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
