They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
