id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
