She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
