Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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