the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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