I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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