I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
