Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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