i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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