the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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