I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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