I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
