I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
