She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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