the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
