People in love make me want to vomit
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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