Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
