Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
