if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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