dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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