I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
there's paper in my vomit.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
