zippers are such a cool invention
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
